Understanding your fear

My name is Douglas McCall and I am afraid.

I have spent my entire adult life as an educator. I stand up in front of classes of 25-100 students multiple times a day and attempt to provide them opportunities to grow and develop a greater understanding of my content area. Over the span of 25 years, I have spoken in front of thousands of students.

Even before that, I was (and sometimes continue to be) active in theater. I would learn a part and then stand on stage and perform that role in front of hundreds of audience members.  Again, over the span of 25 years, I have performed for thousands of audience members.

Lastly, as a researcher, I have developed topics and spoken at multiple conferences about the information I have collected and analyzed. I have probably presented in front of thousands of conference attendees.

And yet, I am afraid.

The idea of singing improvisation in jazz paralyzes me. The idea of performing theatrical improvisation or impromptu speaking fills me with dread. I have had a passion to be a professional speaker for as long as I can remember but each time I embark on the journey, I turn back out of fear. And in social situations, especially when it is a group of people I don’t know, I will shy away to the corner and talk to no one…because I am terrified.

My whole life, I have always attributed this reluctancy to be in these situations to the fact that I am an introvert. I tell people, I am an introvert, and virtually all of them look at me with a quizzical glance and I then I have to explain, I just adopt a different persona to allow me to do theater, teach, and present. They nod their head at my explanation, but I don’t think anyone ever believes me.

I realized, the reason I am paralyzed by improv, impromptu speaking, and motivational speaking is because I don’t believe that my thoughts are valuable and when I improv, speak off the cuff or present motivational topics, I am offering the audience an opportunity to ratify that personal belief. When I am teaching, acting, singing, presenting, those are often someone else’s lines that I have just learned, so it is not me, I am stepping into a role, and I believe what they wrote is valuable because they weren’t me.

It is impossible for me to share where this journey leads, and in truth, I don’t know where I am headed because I only figured this out 2 hours ago, but the motivational speaker and coach in me wants to leave you with something, some nugget that you can squirrel away and ponder later, so I will leave you with this:

What are you afraid of? Maybe if you take the time to examine that fear, you might begin to understand it better and develop a way to work with it, to use the understanding as a way to ease the fear. I challenge you to examine the fears in your life, what strength can you unlock in the knowing?

My name is Douglas McCall and I am LESS afraid.